Chapter 18.5: The Reason

Spikes walked through the snow blanketed street to her favorite coffee shop that allowed, not just dogs, but even allowed Damon.

It was an organic place that viewed all animals as brethren, if only they knew just how accurate that was for Spikes and Damon.

Damon being a demon dog, and Spikes being a dog demon, she couldn’t help but giggle at the fact that they really were kin. 

With coffee in hand she looked down at her boy as she walked forward, not noticing the male walk in front of her. 

“I am so sorry!” Spikes yelled as she quickly grabbed napkins to clean her coffee off of the black haired male who she’d bumped into and knocked over.

“Don’t worry, its fine.” he laughed slightly pushing her hands away from his torso, 

“It was my fault, I wasn’t looking where I was going. Here let me buy you another.” he smiled as he stood up. He was lean and almost as tall as Takado, with raven hair, ice blue eyes, and a slight tanned complexion barely lighter than Kitty’s; Spikes couldn’t help but blush.

“Wow you’re attractive.” 

she blurted out causing the male to laugh again.

“Um, thank you.” he laughed putting his hand behind his head, “So I’ll take that as a yes on the coffee?”

“Sure, thank you.” Spikes muttered trying to hide her flushed face. After buying her coffee, they sat down at a table by the window, the one in fact that Spikes would go to when she needed to think.

Who was this male? Had he been stalking her? He even ordered her favorite drink without her having to tell him. It was her usual instinct to judge and fight, but something about him drew her in.

“So, what brings you two fine canines to a coffee shop in the afternoon on Thanksgiving?” the male asked calmly.

Spikes nearly choked on her coffee at his comment, he was bold to out her existence so nonchalantly, which made her curiosity for him grow. 

She tilted her head and watched as his ice blue eyes glowed as white as the ice moon and his pupils turned to slits. 

“I’m not a hunter, just kin.” he smiled as his eyes quickly shifted back to their barely human color. 

“I really have to start using my nose again.” Spikes chuckled as she took a sip from her coffee. The male smiled at her again as he nodded in agreement and she couldn’t help but blush again.

“Wow I must be making a great impression so far.” 

“No, you’ve just caught me on an off day, I’m not usually flattered by guys who, I am now convinced, ran into me on purpose as a way to get me to sit with them.” Spikes joked in an almost flirting manor. 

She quickly drank her coffee trying to prevent herself from embarrassing herself, or further fooling this male into thinking she was not in a fully committed relationship. 

She slowly put down her coffee and furrowed her brows as that thought crossed her mind, was she really in a fully committed relationship? Didn’t that mean that both parties were loyal?

She knew in heart that Xander wasn’t faithful to her, and over the past few months she’d noticed them drifting even further apart. She felt as though she was waiting out the remainder of the relationship, until he was done with her, or worse they simply settled for one another.

“So you never answered my question.” the males smooth voice chimed breaking her train of thought.

“I’m sorry, what was your question.” Spikes said softly, still barely there.

“I had asked why you and your guard dog were here on thanksgiving?” his brows furrowed a bit showing slight signs of sincere concern for her, “You don’t have to answer if it’s too personal.”

“No, its fine...I just...” Spikes suddenly felt the tears rushing down her face, it was like the dam she had built over the past month was finally breaking, and in front of a stranger of all people.

“Oh crap, look I’m sorry I didn’t mean to pry, please...please don’t cry.” he said resting his hands on hers around her coffee cup.

“I-I’m sorry...” Spikes managed to choke between sobs, 

“I’m not like this...really...I just...” 

she continued to sob finally letting the past few months sink in, from her brother returning, her and Xander fighting more, watching her brother fall in love while she fell apart.

She always tried to be strong, to hold herself up because she knew no one else would, but everyone had their breaking point; even Spikes. 

“I’m just miserable.” she said looking at him through puffy eyes.

“Look, I know that we just met, but you can talk to me. Really. And what better person to vent to than someone who is completely non bias,
I don’t know you or your family or friends or whoever it is that is making you so upset. I have a past and no reason to judge you unless I want to be a hypocrite. So really, its safe to open up with me.” he said calmly rubbing his thumb along the side of her hand as a way to try to console her. 

Spikes stared into his eyes, searching for his lie, but all she could see, smell, sense, was sincerity. She couldn’t help but tell him everything. 

She told him about Takado, how he had been dead, the way she lived her life while he was gone. The darkness of her past, how she hated the person she used to be, and how Kitty saved her. 

She went on about how happy she was when Kitty brought him back, and how distraught she was now.

“You seem like you are happy for them, but something is holding you back.” the male said calmly as he took in what the canine told him. 

“What are you so afraid of?” 

Spikes leaned back and pondered for a bit on something she hadn’t wanted to face, something she wouldn’t even allow her mind to veer to.

But for some reason, this male, this cat she didn’t even know could see she was holding back.

“My biggest fear is that if they get together, I’ll be left on the back burner so to speak.

I love both of them dearly, Kitty is family to me and Takado is my brother, I want them to be happy.

But...when they achieve that inevitable happiness, there will be no room for me.

And I know that sounds childish, and I’m really okay with them moving on and starting a life together, they both deserve it.

But I fear what I will become. Like I told you, I’m miserable with my life, and I’ve only told you about Kitty and Takado...” 

she began to trail off as she thought about her ‘relationship’.

“Then tell me what the real issue is. 

The way you smile when you talk about your brother and best friend falling in love, its a true smile; you look happy for them. 

So there is something more, what is the other thing or person that is pushing you to be something you fear?” 

Spikes chuckled at his question, he was like a shrink, but she didn’t feel like she was being analyzed. She felt like for once, a male outside of her brother was actually interested in what she had to say and not what he could get from her.

“Well I have a boyfriend...” she paused looking for a typical male reaction of losing all interest but he seemed as focused as he had been through the entirety of their conversation.

“Well sort of...I don’t know.” 

he raised an eyebrow at her comment obviously intrigued but stuck to his word to not judge her. 

“I’ve been with this guy since I was 15, he was there for me when I had no one. Maybe not in a supportive way, but it was something tangible and consistent in my life of chaos. 

He stayed there through all the bullshit, but that's all he did, he was just there.... 

Yes when it got really bad and I broke down for reasons he had nothing to do with he would let me cry on his shoulder but really that was it.

But I have this warped sense of debt toward him, that for him just being there, I owe him my life. 

And he doesn’t argue when I bring that up, if anything his apathy suggests that he agrees...and when we fight it’s clear that he feels I am indebted to him... And honestly at times I feel that is the only reason I stay with him. To pay off this seemingly never ending debt.” 

She reached for her coffee only to realize it was empty, she grunted slightly at the empty mug and set it down ready to continue talking but was stopped by the raven haired male.

“I’ll get you another, you look like you need it.” he smiled as he began to stand up.

“Well then here,” she began as she pulled money out of her back pocket, “let me pay for you to get another as well.” 

he pushed away her hand softly and smiled.

“Let me be chivalrous, you need someone to show you you’re worth it, even if it is just a gesture as small as coffee.” he smiled winking at her before he turned to walk back up to the counter. 

Spikes leaned back in her chair again, a small smile crept across her lips, Xander had bought her coffee plenty of times, but each time his attitude toward it made her feel like it was something added to her tab.

More debt she would eventually need to pay.

She began to rack her mind for the kindness Xander had shown her, for as much of an asshole he was, there were the few moments that gave her hope...

“Here you go.” the male said happily setting her coffee in front of her before sitting back down, 

"now continue, you were at how you felt indebted to him for eternity.”

“Right...Well, most of the time that is how he makes me feel, but he has had some good moments. 

There are the few times after a fight where he’s actually set aside his pride and hugged me while I cried... 

but thats it, after I stopped crying he doesn’t want to talk because it will just lead to another fight. 

He tells me I need to let shit go and move on with my life, but he hasn’t been through anything I’ve been through. 

The only hardship we have in common is that we both are dog demons, but in his family I’d hardly call that a hardship.” 

Spikes scoffed as she took a sip of her coffee, her annoyance with Xander starting to lead the conversation, 

“And then when I try to explain to him how I feel, he undermines me and treats me like a child, saying I’m different and I grew up abnormal so I am unable to grasp the concept of normalcy that society has grown to know and accept...

But that’s not my fault...

And a part of me doesn’t want to conform to that which is accepted by society, true it would make my life easier, but I wouldn’t be me anymore.

If I began to fall in line and become the normal that everyone else knows, that he wants me to be, I will probably lose my values I’ve gained from the hardships I’ve faced.” 

She began to trail off, this was a truth she had never spoken or even thought of for that matter, was this really what she felt? Was her unfaithful ‘mate’ really such a poison in her life that she had began to change who she was as a person, the her she loved? Spikes stared at her coffee mug in hand. 

“Who am I? I am afraid of a man for the first time in my life, and even as I have these realizations, I fear I am still not strong enough to leave this disease.
 I can feel it killing me, but at the same time he’s become such a huge part of my life that I feel like I won’t survive if he is gone.

And that is what I fear I will become, this weak dependent shell of who I once was, I’ll settle with this mentally abusive unfaithful pig of demon, get married, start a family, and give up on every hope and dream I’ve ever had.”

she looked down at Damon who sat up and rested his head on her lap slightly whimpering.

“So in a way you are slightly dependent on Kitty and Takado?” the male spoke calmly receiving a glare from Spikes. 

“I don’t mean it as a bad thing. 

They are your family, the people you trust most in the world, it’s okay to lean on them as you stand back up.

I’m sure they will be there holding your hand as you learn to walk again, but the point is eventually they will let go and you won’t depend on them anymore, but they will always be there if you stumble.

Its a different type of dependency that you have with them, a type that doesn’t make you weak. 

However, admitting defeat before you’ve even put up a fight will make you weak. Just because they start a life together doesn’t mean you can’t lean on them anymore, it just means that your family is growing and you need to talk to them about it.

Explain your fears to them, from what you’ve told me about them I’m sure they will be more than understanding. But, from what you’ve described of Kitty, make it clear how happy you are for her first.” he chuckled as he drank his coffee causing Spikes to fully laugh.

“Wow, you are pretty perceptive, she’d freak out if I didn’t make my happiness clear. Its just the type of person she is, always thinking about others.” Spikes smiled as she took another sip of her coffee. She looked at her watch and shook her head. 

“Well it is 5 o’clock, and I’m officially late and the cat will probably kill me.” she began as she stood up.

“Oh I’m sorry for keeping you so long.” the male started as he stood up and followed her outside.

“Don’t be, you helped me out a lot.” Spikes smiled looking up at him,

“You know, you never told me your name.”

“Vincent.” he chuckled as he held out his hand. 

“And you?”

“Spikes.” 

“Spikes? Now thats an interesting name.” he laughed still holding her hand.

“I like it more than my real name.” she smiled, in the back of her mind trying to force herself to let go of his hand.

But something about it was comforting, his grip was strong but at the same time gentle.

“Well Spikes, this is a long shot, but lets meet up again next week, same table, same time.

I’ll even bring my hound, I didn’t know they allowed dogs in as big as your boy here.” he laughed.

“That’d be nice, coffee’s on me next time though.” 

“Deal.” the two stood silently for a moment, simply staring at each other. Spikes reluctantly finally pulled her hand away and could almost feel Vincent’s aura lower itself.

“Well, I’ll see you next week.” she smiled as she began to walk away.

“I can’t wait.” Vincent whispered as he watched her walk away. 

He couldn’t help but smile as he watched her walk. Very dog like in a way, stomping through the snow, but somehow seeming graceful as she marched. He shook his head and turned around to walk back to his apartment, his smile never fading.

Spikes kicked the snow as she walked, going over everything she had just discussed with Vincent, but what stuck out most was Xander. 

Why was it that she couldn’t remember then the good things but as she walked they became clear. It was true, the cons about him outweighed the pros at least three fold, but the pros still stuck in her mind. 

When he was having a good day, he was funny, he was nice in a way. For brief moments they could get along and laugh at jokes the other told; no insults, no demeaning comments; just getting along.

He did work his ass off to try to financially support her, and she did appreciate it, but for what she did for him; all was taken for granted. 

She felt as though she was never good enough, not skinny enough, not pretty enough; simple insecurities that she knew shouldn’t bother her but they did. 

How was she supposed to feel when the only compliment she could get was when she asked how she looked and the response was ‘fine’ or ‘I have a hard on’.

At first it was cute, she felt sexy and alluring, but now, she felt like an object, a toy soon to be thrown away if not tossed aside already.

She wanted to be appreciated, thanked when she did something sweet; she wasn’t expecting to be worshiped, just noticed. 

But that was shallow and stupid, it made her materialistic and selfish to want something like that. 

She sighed as she kicked the snow again trying to avoid the negative about Xander and focus on the positive.

He was a very intelligent man, and generous to his friends; but why was she never included in that? 

And why did he have this need to constantly undermine her with his intelligence, he treated her as though she were nothing more than an ignorant child. 

Frequently insulting her, nicknaming her with a degrading pet name to be a constant reminder of how she was beneath him on an intellectual level.

She laid in the pile of snow outside the gate to her home as she continued to ponder on her relationship. 

Why couldn’t she just stick to the positive? Had his cynical ways rubbed off on her that much? 

She thought back to the few dates he had taken her on in their relationship, she never felt romanced or loved. 

She felt yet again like it was just another debt. 

He would go on about he felt obligated to do these things for her, which was why she did her best to never ask anything of him, but was she so strange for thinking you would want to spoil your mate? 

She wanted to give him anything and everything he desired, not just to pay off a debt, but because she loved him.

She did however expect something in return, but what she had always wanted was nothing tangible. 

Respect, love, emotion. Things she knew in her heart he was either incapable or unwilling to give. She rolled over in the snow and stared at Damon as the thoughts raced through her head. 

Xander deep down was a good guy, thats what she always told herself, he’s really a good guy just lost.

But she was slowly beginning to doubt herself, maybe this was just who he was, an impossible flirt who was unable to love the one he is committed to?

She had watched him shower these women, who supposedly meant nothing to him, in love and affection.

If they were nothing and received that from him, just how low was she to him? How little did she mean to him? 

She could feel tears beginning to threaten her eyes again and she growled. She had done enough crying, and thinking for that matter, on this topic. 

She stood and shook the snow off of her as she began to walk through the gate and up to the front door.

“Well, here goes nothing.” she exhaled deeply as she walked through the front door.

Spikes stood anxiously in front of the door to the living room. It had been difficult enough to walk through the front door, unsure of what had taken place in her absence and in all honesty she wasn’t in a hurry to find out.

She couldn’t hide from her brother or her best friend though, not for long at least.

“Kitty? Takado?” Spikes called out as she stepped into the living room.

“Spikes!” Kitty called out, the anxiety in her voice was not unheard by Spikes. 

“You ok now Sis?” Takado asked as he made his way over to his sister, with Kitty trailing anxiously behind him.

“Uhm, yeah actually,” Spikes said quietly, thinking back on how Vincent had actually helped her quite a bit.

“Good, you had us worried Brat,” Takado said, ruffling his sister’s hair.

Spikes took a step back from him, smiling weakly at the two of them. She knew she needed to talk to both of them, explain her concerns like Vincent had advised her to, but she didn’t know how to get that conversation started.

“So now that you’re finally here we can eat! I made mashed potatoes!” Kitty cheered, already turning away to walk towards the dining room.

“Yeah after you dropped the first batch on your head,” Takado laughed as Kitty turned to stick her tongue out at him before disappearing through the doorway. Spikes grimaced slightly as she watched the door close behind Kitty. 

She knew Kitty didn’t like confrontation or talking about serious things, but this was getting out of hand.

Takado stared at his little sister, tempted to say something about what had transpired, but he felt like it was something that should be talked about with Kitty present.

“Come on Carissa, before the cat gets too impatient,” Takado laughed, as he began to walk towards the dining room where Kitty had gone.

Spikes groaned impatiently, annoyed that even her brother hadn’t said anything to her. Not that she had said anything either, but he was the older one. He should have said something at least.

They all sat down and started eating, the silence covering the room like a thick blanket of fog. Spikes was trying to think of exactly how to approach the topic, how to voice her concerns without discouraging Kitty or Takado from trying to be in a relationship. 

Kitty on the other hand was completely avoiding it. 

She didn’t want to talk to Spikes about her new found relationship with Takado, she didn’t want to hear about it. 

She just wanted it to happen without exactly being acknowledged so that she didn’t have to talk about it.

Then there was Takado who decided he’d had enough of the silence. 

“So Kitty and I are in a relationship now.”

“What?!” Spikes exclaimed, nearly choking on a piece of turkey. Kitty’s face mirrored Spikes, but girls shocked at how bluntly he’d spoken. 

“You’re telling me that you two actually talked?” 

Spikes couldn’t believe he’d gotten Kitty to actually talk to him when she normally did her best to avoid talking about serious topics.

“More or less,” Takado responded, hoping the slight flush of his cheeks wouldn’t be noticeable as he thought back on how he and Kitty hadn’t exactly “talked” on the matter.

Spikes stared at her hands in her lap, trying to form the words on her lips that were in her mind. 

She wanted to say she was happy for them, happy that they were happy, but that she was worried about being pushed aside. 

Her hands curled into fists as she glared at her hands, trying to stop the few tears that were threatening her eyes. 

She couldn’t cry Kitty was going to get the wrong idea if she cried, she was going to make both of them upset because she was selfish and couldn’t find the words.

“We don’t… If it bothers you Spikes we could stop. I don’t want you to be upset,” Kitty was barely able to whisper. 

She wanted to be with Takado, there was no denying that anymore, but she didn’t want to lose her best friend. 

The pained look in Takado’s eyes didn’t help how conflicted she was already feeling.

“No Kitty it’s not that. If you two are happy you shouldn’t give up on that because of me. I don’t even have a problem with you two being together,” Spikes finally spoke as she lifted her head to look at both of them. 

The flash of relief that went through their eyes hadn’t gone unnoticed by Spikes. 

She smiled weakly, happy to see how the two most important people to her interacted together, but her fears still plagued her mind.

“I just… I want you guys to be happy. I don’t want you to forget about me.” She looked back down at her lap, feeling terrible that she was scared of just letting them go, letting them be happy but she couldn’t lose them.

She was startled by two warm hands on her shoulders, one Takado’s who was standing next to her. The other Kitty’s who was leaning against the table on the other side.

“Do you really think either of us could ever forget about you? You’re my best friend in the world-”

“And my baby sister. We’re always here for you, both of us. No matter what happens between us, we’re always here for you.” Takado finished for Kitty, both smiling at each other briefly before returning their gazes to Spikes.

“What if you two want to get married or start a family, or-”

“First off slow the hell down!” Kitty instantly panicked, hoping Takado wouldn’t see just how nervous Spikes’s suggestion had made her. 

“First of all, this just started… today. That’s an awful lot of assumptions starting with day one. And second, You are our family in case you haven’t noticed Spikes.”

Kitty stood and pulled her best friend into a hug. 

“Family is always there for each other-”

“No matter what.” Takado finished, wrapping his arms around both girls.

“You two finishing each other’s sentences is going to get really annoying really fast,” Spikes finally laughed, returning the hug from her brother and her best friend. 

They all laughed before finally sitting down, and finishing Thanksgiving together like a real family should, talking, laughing, having a great time together, and even finishing things off with a minor food fight. 

Just like a small happy family should.